Thoughts On a Prepackaged Holiday That Reminds Me How Alone I Am

made to be broken.

hey all,

Didn’t really have any music to discuss today so i thought that i’d pump out all the mixed feelings that I go through on Valentine’s day.  In my entire life I’ve only been in a relationship through one valentine’s day so mostly this holiday reminds me of how horrible my relationships have been with women through the years.  Of course it takes two to tango, but as I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships I’d rather take a look at myself and see where i go wrong from there.

I’ve always thought a big obstacle in my trouble with women has been the music.  Of course it is a full time job but there is no clocking out.  It is my true love and humans usually play second fiddle to it (and we all know how much a lady loves being your second priority).  After my last relationship I decided I was going to be single for a couple years to figure myself out.  Well it’s a year and a half and I’m probably more lost than when I started that particular journey.  However, it’s not like I spent them celibate and alone.

When I made the decision I wanted to be single that’s more me saying I didn’t want a commitment.  I was more upfront about this with some than others (I know…racking up the karma points).  In this time I saw some ladies for various periods of time and of course they all had the same result (there are men that think relationships work and there are men that think they don’t….they are both usually right – i stole the sentiment of that phrase from somewhere).  Me being unable to commit and wanting to see other people will eventually make any relationship die out.  Am I selfish.  Maybe.

However, I did connect with someone that made me realize how stupid it was to put time limits on singledom.  I felt like I could stay down for this one, but it seems as if she thought of me differently.  To her credit I’m not sure if I really gave her any reason to view me differently.  I’m not neccesarily the most open person and feeling friendly kind of guy.

So this brings me to now.  I still am having trouble getting this one out of my head, but I am still moving forward with dating others.  Every lady I have the pleasure of spending time with brings out a different side of me which I like but unfortunatley polygamy is not the move (i’m not against it…i just don’t have that type of time. lol).  Times like valentine’s day make me want to pull some grandiose gesture and make a play for the one that dissed me.  However, do I just hold a flame for her because she dissed me or are my feelings genuine?  If I succeed, do we find out that it doesn’t work later, and then I just wasted our time?  Am I being fair to others I spend time with if I still do think about this girl, or is it proper that I just get on with my shit?

I would like to believe in love but I am quick to play the cynic.  Half the time I’m just thinking it’s my ego getting off on it and not my soul.  I’m definitely scared of being alone, and i like being comfortable with someone.  However, I am also young and I always feel i can trade up ( i know how bad that sounds).  The point is I am really a mess and few people really know how insecure and ridiculous I am (I guess those people love me because they keep my secret. lol)

Anyways, this is in the random thoughts section because I am just writing the first things that pop into my head on this fine day we call Valentine’s Day.  Sound off if you’re reading and let me know i’m not the only one who’s unlucky in love.  Or leave me to believe it’s only me.  The situation doesn’t change much either way and it’s not really hip hop to discuss feelings. lol. kinda. Until next time….

One Love,

hopefully it'll come back together.

Tags: D. Allie, Valentine's Day